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Incredibly flamboyant drunk guy: Girl, you are flawless! What make up do you use?

Me: A lot

andrew: would you still date me if I only had one testicle?

me:

andrew:

me: sure andrew.

andrew: see, your mouth says yes, but your face says no.

me: andrew, my face always says no.

andrew: 

me: 

andrew: can’t argue with that.

“I’ve lost weight” I announced.

Everyone congratulated me.

But Weight was the name of my son.